There was once a time when I lived in a constant state of hate and anger. The only comfort known was that of an inescapable prison, which felt like my home. It was a false comfort because as familiar as it was, I knew there had to be something else beyond those walls. The sad part of it was, I believed it just wasn’t for me. My heart was overwhelmed by dark thoughts and thoroughly convinced that this was all there was out there for me.
As much pain and suffering that I endured, I felt like I had the right to live on the road to self destruction. Not only were bad things done to me, but also by me, which I deeply regret. In lonely isolation, I pulled away from others, especially anyone that wanted to help me get off this path. It was my right, after all, to do what I wanted. I reasoned, I’m doing it to myself; stay out of my business! I pushed others away, fiercely holding on to my anger as if it were all I had left to hold on to. Everything else was stripped away.
Fortunately, I don’t believe this logic to be true anymore. There are some things we do, to ourselves, while trying to cope with life’s heartaches. But seldom, if ever, does it not affect the life of another. We may not see the impact but that doesn’t mean it does not exist. We simply have no idea the implications our decisions have on the world around us. It’s like the ripple effect by throwing a stone into a pond. It’s impossible not to have a result come from our actions.
A series of events occurs in our lives, one chained to another. Our decisions have a lasting impact, even long after we move on from them. We have no idea the ripple effect that occurs as a result of the stone we throw, even if it’s only at ourselves. What if someone else picked up the same stone and hurt someone with it. We may not have deemed it for that purpose, but nonetheless we have no control over what others do with the stone. Why show the world how to destroy oneself? The world seems to do a good enough job of that on it’s own.
It seemed impossible for me to believe that I deserved a better life, that I deserved freedom. I clung selfishly to anger without regard for anyone else. It was all I knew to survive the times I was living in. A life of self destruction promised me many things, but inside I felt hollow and unsatisfied. Choosing to live that way was one of the most selfish things I had ever done.
Understand that living this sort of lifestyle prevents us from becoming who we were created to be. By choosing to destroy ourselves, it limits our ability to help others. One truth of life is that we are all in this thing together. Many are born and many pass on. It’s what we do with our time here that matters. Whether we make no difference at all or a world of difference, the choice is ours.