A couple years ago, I went to a church service one morning in Dallas, Texas. The church reminded me of one back home that my brother went to. My group sat near the back, off the corner of the sound booth. In it, was a man running all the sound controls. He too, reminded me of my brother, who also volunteered in the sound booth. It’s one of the behind the scenes tasks that is more important than people realize.
During the sermon, the pastor shared a story about someone close to him that had cancer and passed away. He recalled the pain and suffering that person went through and how much it hurt him to see them suffer. One day, someone approached him with a question. If you had it all to do over again, would you choose not to have a relationship with that person? I knew exactly where he was going with that question. The person who asked the question was basically asking if the pastor would still choose to know that person, knowing full well what was going to happen years later and his own suffering that would follow after the loss.
It prompted questions I then asked myself. What if I could have known that my brother was going to pass away at such an early age? What if I had been given a choice to go back in time and choose whether or not I would have a relationship with him, knowing that twenty-five years later, I’d have to say goodbye. Would I still choose to know him, or would I spare myself the worst emotional pain I had ever gone through? Immediately I had to fight back the tears.
I knew the answer to my questions before he even had a chance to answer his. Despite the inevitable suffering I’d endure once he was gone, I would still say, absolutely yes. I would choose to be a part of his life all over again. In fact, I would have done everything in my power to do more with him. After he passed away, I immediately had regrets of not doing that. Since then, I learned that detaching yourself from the pain forces you to forget the past and ignore the future suffering without that loved one close by.
It didn’t happen right away, but I’ve come to the point of saying, no thanks to avoiding the pain. I will cherish my memories with him, no matter how much they hurt. I will continue to celebrate every special occasion as if he were right by my side. And I will ask God for the grace to bear my future as needed. My brother, if you get mail in Heaven, know that I’d do it all over again. I’d go on every adventure and climb every mountain. I’d hike every trail and fish every lake. I’d listen to every story and hear every exaggeration with a smile. All this and so much more I’d do with you. Yes, I’d do it all again!
Happy Birthday Big Brother! I love you!